Gaining Clarity on Workplace Trauma
I’ve wanted to write about workplace trauma for awhile, but I always felt reluctance—it’s personal, it’s messy, and doing so could raise more questions than I’m comfortable with just leaving up in the air. But as I move forward in my career, I realize that I am still dealing with remnants of repeated and layered workplace traumas. It’s not going to simply go away with a change of environment, team, manager, or employer. And talking about it openly might make someone else feel a little less alone.
Like so many people, I first experienced targeted emotional abuse in a romantic relationship in college. The emotionally abusive relationship had all the usual hallmarks: isolation from friends, family, and community; severe destruction of self-esteem, self-trust, and self-belief; constant gaslighting and manipulation; the distortion of my lived reality; attempts at other forms of psychological control; persistent paranoia and fear, and more. I was totally unprepared to experience, much less survive, that type of abuse. The passage of time, physical distance, community support, and therapy have all helped me see those years of my life for exactly what they were. I’ve learned so much from that time and from my recovery ever since. And yet, despite all that, I did not expect to experience similar forms of emotional abuse in multiple workplaces. I never imagined that emotionally abusive behavior from other professionals at work could actually trigger me and send me right back to an anxious, fearful place that I only associated with an intimate, interpersonal relationship. For whatever reason, it just didn’t click for me until I found myself dealing with particular issues at work and thinking, “Wait…I’ve been here before. I’ve seen this before. I’ve felt this before. I know what this is!”
I don’t know if it’s helpful to recite a laundry list of abuse I’ve witnessed or personally experienced in the workplace. But I will say what I have experienced has been diverse in terms of how the abuse shows up. I’ve worked for employers whose business models demand well-known, but still abusive norms like rigid expectations of constant availability, shouting at coworkers or direct reports, and “unlimited PTO” while discouraging taking time. I’ve worked for multiple employers who would not invest in formal, people-centered managerial training, leaving junior and midlevel staff to be emotionally abused by deeply inexperienced, toxic managers (who may also, in turn, experience abuse from higher-up). I’ve worked for employers whose leaders were not open to critical feedback about their leadership style, the direction of the organization, or persistent issues raised by staff—leaders who look instead at who is raising concerns instead of resolving the issues. I’ve worked for employers who speak the language of mental health, wellness, and boundaries, but who take advantage of power imbalances to reinforce the idea that your job should be the number-one priority to the detriment of all else. I’ve worked for managers who have gaslit me, lied about me, monitored my non-work online presence, and tried to tarnish my internal reputation. I’ve worked for employers whose expectations were so convoluted and contradictory that I’ve cried tears of frustration and exhaustion trying to navigate a maze whose walls keep shifting hour to hour. After awhile, you start to realize emotional abuse and its resulting workplace trauma are less so the exception and more like the rule.
I’ve also, like others, confused burnout with workplace trauma—as they so often commingle. As you can imagine, my workplace trauma has negatively affected my mental health in different ways, at different points in time, dependent upon the intensity of what is happening at the time. It can feel difficult to trust people outright at work after being in hyper-competitive environments. Workplace trauma can prevent you from starting from a true blank slate—you’re constantly on the lookout for signs that the other shoe will drop, that something is being hidden or obscured from you, that machinations are happening backstage that can harm you or your job security, or that coworkers and colleagues have ill intentions.
I can’t end this blog post with recommendations or helpful tips, because I don’t have them. I am still working through past experiences of workplace trauma in therapy. Despite that, I’ve gained a certain sense of clarity about it all: that I am not alone, that what I’ve seen or endured was real, and that none of it was right. Because we (unfortunately) have to work to survive in our current society, I am certain I’ll experience more emotional abuse and workplace trauma in the decades left in my career. But now I’ll know how to recognize it when it happens, which is a critical first step when trying to change ongoing dynamics, cope with what’s happened, or recover once you’ve exited a toxic environment.
Below are some resources I found helpful in trying to write about this. I hope they can help you too:
https://www.workplaceoptions.com/blog/understanding-workplace-trauma-and-work-related-ptsd/
https://chief.com/articles/trauma-at-work-is-a-form-of-betrayal-heres-how-organizations-can-do-better
https://stellanovawomen.com/workplace-trauma/
https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20210415-why-long-term-workplace-trauma-is-a-real-phenomenon
